Oh yes, Maggie is back. It’s a slow-motion crash and I have no idea how it will play out but she is on the move and a total nutball, mean as ever.

On March 14, a boring grey morning, five cops showed up outside my office, let in by the terrified cleaning person and escorted to my lair by Wyatt, home with a non-COVID sore throat.

“We were told there was a stabbing,” the top cop said.

I said, “I’m Wendy Ditmarston.” Before you think this is a non sequitor and it is I who am the unreliable narrator, keep in mind that this has happened many, many times before and the only clear part of the story the cops ever have is my name. So I just cut to the chase.

The cop said, “you are stabbed?”

I was not stabbed so was able to explain that the neighbor was crazy. After the cops left, Wyatt and I tried not to make eye contact. I think that was a normal human reaction. When you first notice the car careening more or less right at you, you look away! You can’t do anything to deflect it so just try to have a calm day.

The officers did go next door and I think they actually got inside, but I don’t think Maggie was there. There is a lot of construction going on, including tile washing by two teenaged boys in the afternoon.

Tweetfest and an ominous email

This morning was Tweetville at the dining room table. She had doxed Calvin a couple of times and said some cranky things about Sesame Street. Calvin and I pored over the Tweets as we drank coffee. We broke for Wordle (Wyatt is the best Wordler in the family). I screenshot the stupid Tweets for my catalogue of Maggie’s social media gems.

She also sent me an email at 6:39 AM with the subject line: You won.

But inside the body of the email it didn’t seem like I had won. She proved some intense points in this email, including that Maggie had the biggest lawyers and was in the DGA, not SAG. It had been her idea for Calvin to put his Emmy statue in the window (which he doesn’t and it was not). The last line said that Daisy was mean (which she is not) and so are Calvin and me (can be true).

Otherwise, things are mostly going well

Everyone is just blooming in various ways, except me who is simply maintaining equilibrium, but if you know me, you know that is pretty darn good. Wyatt, for example, has beautiful hair like a lion, and is on a sports team at school. Daisy is having a very good time her senior year and is a total delight. She is coming with me to a scary family event, thank goodness. Calvin is looking for a gig and keeping it real otherwise.

But the real Ditmarston who is making great personal strides forward is Honeybear! Now, don’t think he has outgrown his incredibly smelly poops and his farts and just the smells that go along with him. All of that is still happening and it is just horrid.

But he’s hanging out with us, he lets us pet him, and it’s clear he wants to be friends. We still all adore him and everyone tries not to take his rejections personally.

Nemesis remains under the covers all day. I am getting a cat behaviorist to help us work all of this out. We also got Honeybear a fancy litter box that has an app attached to it. He is still smelly.

I had oral surgery and it was traumatic and I couldn’t eat and my quality of life plummeted

I know you’re only coming here for Maggie hijinks, but to me the main plot point of the last two weeks is the hole in my mouth, on the top right between my hard and soft palate. I had a weird thing growing there this is not cancer (whew! Whoo!) but eating and drinking have been hard and sometimes impossible. Without the fun of eating, my life is pretty empty.

Food for thought. Ha!