I’ve been playing this down here on this blog, but it’s a big thing. Daisy went to college on Monday and she is doing okay so far. It’s a seismic thing, not just a shift, or a wave, but maybe a convulsions? It’s a slow-roll convulsion, like that dance move on the TikTok but not sexy. Maybe sexy.

She’s as ready as she’s ever going to be and I was ready to bolt out of that college as soon as we got her room in shape. Even though every single parent I talked to, I loved. Even though the place smelled like trees and books and people seemed actually relaxed. Even though I met the nicest vet who told me I was brave to take Honey Bear back (yes, I strong armed her into confirming my choice). I just wanted to leave and get back to our house and hunker down and have a beer and cry. She did it. She went there.

I didn’t cry. I’ve cried since a little and I am missing Daisy a lot while simultaneously exulting over how long seltzer stays around in the refrigerator. I did everything I could think of to get her out into the world and I think she’s in a good shape. It’s deeply satisfying but I am trying not to count the chickens.

But then again, why not count the gosh darn chickens? I mean, she’s 17, very much herself—curious, stubborn, judicious, loves music, good hair, funny, warm, friendly, a planner, a reader, hard working, tough, loyal, loving. I am so proud of her and thrilled at who she is. Secretly I think I am a genius mother but I don’t know if that qualifies me to give advice on parenting. I want to be a parenting expert (I really do) but what would I advise?

Parenting advice from a surprisingly good mother

1. When you feel a funny feeling about your kid, interrogate it thoroughly.

This was the big one for me because Daisy had developmental issues and we didn’t start dealing with it until she was 2 years 9 months old, when Wyatt was born. But I knew. I felt it and I knew it and my doctors blew me off until I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt. Then I found a mom’s message board and got very clear direction about what I could do. It was such a relief to be able to act. I mean, it was terrifying because we had to see what we’d been trying so hard not to see but we were finally in motion, and we could see change and growth and we felt close to each other.

I would extend that beyond developmental issues but to emotional things, and physical. If something is off, start asking questions, including of yourself. Don’t just read memoirs by women who had a REALLY BIG SECRET that she didn’t see until really late. That’s how I sublimated my anxiety about Daisy—I read memoirs by women who were married to con men/serial cheaters and then realized it after they were dead or in jail. Those books lost their allure after we had her evaluated.

2. That’s the only advice I’m willing to give

Once I chastised a friend for feeding her child in another room away from the party. We were all standing in the kitchen eating chips and hassling Calvin as he cooked, and her toddler came up and wanted chips. So she poured the chips into a bowl and took the kid and the bowl into another room. Later we had a fight and I told her that it’s better to include the kid in social eating because it’s a pleasure and it’s socialization. We are no longer friends and I am sure my cogent analysis of child socialization was part of it.

I’m too overbearing to give helpful advice. But don’t lie to your child and do not lie about who you are to your child.

Wyatt in the hot seat, quietly

We are trying not to dissect Wyatt with a scalpel in order to get the information about him from him, so that is a bit of a sticky wicket, but I think he will talk more to us as we go along. He’s just not a big talker.

I am the co-president of the PTA of Wyatt’s high school (bad feeling that I’ve said this fifteen times in past posts but am too lazy to check; it’s time to hire an assistant), and this week they had orientation for new families. It was the first event of my term and it was scary but turned out great. We got 100+ email addresses and word of our web site started spreading through the teachers, who want to apply for funding for things.

Now we need to raise the money.

But anyway, we all went — I forced Wyatt and a few of his friends/PTA kids showed up too — and it was a great event. He is in for it this year. Much of my social life rests upon the PTA and it’s going to be fun.