Or is it sick? That is where I live right now, in a twilight of gray stone. It’s dull and painful and there is a lot of interesting stuff going on around me but I am too tired to meet the occasion. Is it my fault? Did I make this happen? And there, I’m back in the self hating part of my person that just messes up so many beautiful moments, the self I run from as fast as I can, and often get NOWHERE.

There’s a moving truck at Maggie’s. The alley is blocked. It’s very foggy today. I was doing a training manual lying on my lovely couch playing video games and feeling sad so I couldn’t get out of the couch and investigate. That is how sick I am.

I love talking to strangers. I let that whole opp slide by.

Work is pretty fun. I resent having to do it. Hard to focus on anything. Someone fucked up and I’m just now thinking about how things need to change soon, but how? I’m trying to figure that out, but I need many naps.

I need to focus more between the naps

Working on it. When I left the gray basement of TikTok love, I thought I would sink down into domestic bliss, but it wasn’t like that. I had to yell a lot about how I had no energy and no one was allowed to ask me for love. Only strangers and work people could ask of me and I would be mostly nice. But no mothering was available. I feel terrible about this, but it was my hierarchy of energy expenditure.

I’m trying to work toward talking about the Commodores and how they were my favorite band of my childhood but I thought they were white. I thought they were Kenny Rogers a lot. Sometimes Dan Fogelberg (was that his name? Or was that a guy who wrote for my college newspaper and was brooding and handsome?) Ooh, Covid hot flash. Or menopause hot flash? I do NOT know.

Kudos to those poeple who are ill and live their lives with purpose. It’s hard!

I know it will get nicer and I’ll get to do fun things like take walks and chat with the neighbor again. I went to the dentist and felt like I’d gone to war and come back very shook up.

I’m so glad I found out that the Commodores are my favorite band! It was like a key just clicked and a lot of my childhood memories went into color. I bet the Commodores were playing at the Malt Shop when my babysitters, my beautiful babysitters who are now dead. I really liked those two girls. They were the yin and yang of Paonia and they achieved character arcs that no one ever dreamed of.

I haven’t thought about the malt shop in years.