Oh yes, I know I can go back and change it later but that seems like cheating. I have this rule in my head stating this blog must be written in the moment of action so it accurately captures my state of mind, which is the thing one cannot ever remember that well.

I struggle a lot with memory. Not in the tragic, Sarah-Polley-will-make-a-movie sense, but in the “I smoke too much weed and also I have ruminated excessively on my past, so it’s all messed up in my brain.”

And now I ruminate on my snarled memory. My brother in law told me that when you remember something, you are actually changing the memory, that the process of thinking about the memory layers on the context of your present brain, and the memory alters.

The more frequently you remember, the less truth you remember.

I took from this the message that if you remember things too much, you destroy them. From that moment on I began obsessively remembering things—times I loved or hated or still don’t understand. Sometimes I tweak the memory, so I react less like an asshole. I am fairly sure that I was trying both to erase the memories, and if I couldn’t do that, I could rewrite them and cast myself in a better light.

I still do this, by the way.

Could that be why I’m having such a good time now?

It’s the other thing I wonder about. Did I erase/rewrite my memories and dull my responses with weed, and now I’m just along for the ride, chilling glassy-eyed on the road of life? If I cut back on the sweet leaf and looked outward, would I get more done? I get a lot done, I think. Take today. This is what I did today.

• Drank coffee. 0 points.
• Made a breakfast of 1 egg, leftover Columbian take-out beans, leftover mashed potatoes and salsa, and as those are all leftovers that need eating, I give myself 1 point
• Showered, dressed, applied eyeliner that desperately needs to be replaced. I hate shopping. 0 points
• Had a Telehealth appointment with my 12-year-old surly psychiatrist. I don’t want to stop the Lexapro but frankly these appointments are a waste of time. My doctor paid 250k for his wedding, by the way. 1 point
• Went rucking, which is when I wear a backpack weighing 22.5 pounds—today I added 10—and walk. Beautiful day, but it was hard and I had to listen to very loud music to do it. 1 point
• At lunch, leftover lamb pasta (leftovers within leftovers). I just microwaved. 0 points
• Went to the local jewelry place to get my platinum engagement ring turned from an oval to a circle. It’s an old ring, from Calvin’s great grandfather, and it has a very, very thin band that got mushed into an oval. So I finally wrestled it off my finger in the shower yesterday and cleaned it (because it gets yucky up there under the diamond). Today I asked the woman behind the counter to round it up again. She was a little spooked but she put it on the ring stick and it got a little better. I got the vibe that I was too casual about the ring. I love and cherish my ring and hate to take it off but I have the utmost confidence in it. The ring was a mess when Calvin got it from his mother, and a jeweler put it back together and it’s never lost a diamond. This ring is a workhorse. I think that’s why I’m wearing it 130 years after it was made. But back to the story: then the guy came over and he was clearly not going to touch my ring. But now it fit! So I also gave them this watch that stopped working 10 years ago. Maybe they can fix it? I should have done this years ago. 0 points.
• Went to the orthodontist for my final Invisalign appointment. The orthodontist always brings up William F. Buckley. I think he must bounce from room to room and patient to patient while thinking about William Buckley. Or he sees me and thinks about William Buckley? We did have a long chat about the guy because I have this relative who was really friendly with Buckley and I told the orthodontist about him in the beginning of my treatment. Today I just didn’t want to talk any more about Buckley, so when he said something (why? out of nowhere) about Buckley I just murmured hmmmm. I am out of Buckley stories for this guy, and am at the end of my affection for him as well. 1 point
• Came home and took a nap. 1 point
• Edited a family member’s college essay, who did a very good job on it. 1 point

That’s it. That’s 6 points! Not so bad after all!