I got on the scale this morning, after a wonderful yoga class where I felt my body work correctly and I sweated far more than anyone else in the class. Like wet spots on my mat and I can’t wear glasses in these classes because they fog up and I can’t see. I weigh more than I expected to weight. I have not weighed this much since I was pregnant!

I’m taking it hard. Really hard. And I’m trying not to take it hard at the same time. I’m starving a lot and I just look so forward to eating, so I eat. I cannot bring myself to diet and deprive myself. My body has all sorts of new tricks now, from overheated feet to night sweats to water retention and crazy starvation and exhaustion.

I only had the courage to get on the scale today because yesterday and today I had lovely exercise classes. I am a wretched Zumba dancer but I love my class and I actually really enjoyed a few of the dances this time in a physical way, not just in a “I’m moving around and doing lots of humpy moves to reggaeton songs” but in a dancing, fun way. Then today my yoga class felt wonderful and I felt strong and thrilled and without thought, although my stomach got in my way in my twists (which I think it did when I was thinner).

The scale scared me though. I think way too much about being bigger now and I also think that I’m thinking too much about this and I resent it.

Party party party

Last night I went to a party at the Former Candidate’s house for the campaign crew, and I had a spat with a very nasty woman. She claimed I had offended nearby chickens by making a joke about killing chickens. The fight ended with me saying I only care about what I think, not anyone else.

Now that is pretty true and patently untrue. I think it’s aspirationally true and actually true to most of how I live my life, but I’m also kicking myself for various things I said last night. I do hate to hurt anyone’s feelings (anyone but animals. I am currently telling the cat to go away at the door. She napped with me today (Sunday) and heated me all up with her cat warmth and I just need a break from fur and noses).

Still I whooped it up and had great talks with people, women I adore and respect and want to be friends with forever. Also I spoke with a man and found him pretty interesting. Usually I’m not so into men but I’ve been trying to be more friendly toward them.

My shrink says I’m very anxious about the critical thoughts of other women, which I totally am.

Maggie and I said hi the other day. She said hi and raised her hand and I did the same. I think that was before the Day of the Orange Air, but last week blurred together most unpleasantly.