I had such a satisfying small one this week. Maggie (bless her heart) reported our house for its illegal structures, which her house also has. We blew off the Department of Buildings letters because we are tired and burned out and really? was this real?

Yes, it was real. We got a summons for a hearing, which I immediately messed up and missed. They rescheduled and it was Tuesday—a phone call in which I call, they say, we’ll call back, they call back and say, hold on until we get the “prosecutor” on the line, and then we start.

This was the most efficient and delightful hearing I could have imagined! The judge/magistrate/officiant emailed me the charges and photos the Department of Buildings took, and I said, yes, it’s illegal. I explained our neighbor situation and apologized, saying that if it wasn’t a social worker knocking on our door at 4 AM or 3 inches of water in the basement or cops at the door asking about fires and knife fights, well, we just didn’t take it seriously and we’re sorry and I’ll fix it.

Then I said we bought the house like that, and the judge said, “well, that’s a defense. Can you prove that?” So I sent him the deed and he was all, “no, that doesn’t show much.” Then the prosecutor said we should adjourn, which I now understand to mean, “meet later.” Then the judge kind of acted like that was his idea and said I could have a neighbor attest to us buying the house like that and that would be proof!

I can do that! I have two sympathetic neighbors! We have a new hearing for January and I’ll talk to the neighbors before that and get an affidavit. I’m not sure how to do that, but that’s easily figured out.

Maggie is on a wild and crazy bender right now

No idea what is going on with her but she texted Ben and left him a voicemail this morning. She’s really into telling us all the neighbors on the block hate us, and that’s just the vibe. We don’t notice it because we are stupid.

The truth is I don’t notice this hateful vibe. The neighbors seem the same as they always are. I always chat with the 90-year-old lady at the top of the block (she hates her new hair cut, and truth be told it’s not the best. It will grow out but her hair grows slowly now and that upsets her too, and that is upsetting. Old age is so hard! Why can’t it be relaxing and full of love?). I saw the Rikers Island guard who has a giant motorcycle yesterday talking to the guy who drives the ARCTICWORLD Van around (heating and cooling company) and I didn’t say hi because I am a little wary of the Rikers guy. I saw a very sexist bumper sticker on the inside of his open van door a few weeks ago and it made me doubt that he sees women as fully-fledged people, so I wasn’t going to interrupt his chat with another giant, muscle-bound dude.

Maybe he hates us? He did tell me he works 12-hours shifts, so if he does hate us, he’s not around much.