Maggie is not at home. She is living in hotels as her house is cleansed of mold and rot. Last summer Maggie spent 6 days in the psych ward–her second stint–and left her bathtub running for all 6 of those days. Inside her house just melted into wet, rotten wood. Something happened to her furnace too so she had no heat or hot water for a few of the winter months.

So she’s happily staying in hotels where she tweets horny tweets at Paul McCartney every day and for us, over here, in our house—life is good over here. We are having family fights over bullshit! We are arguing about dinner. I am worrying about my lot in life, like do I actually attempt to seek success for myself? I am fairly sure I don’t, but maybe I am actually doing it but am too much of a wet blanket to acknowledge it.

Today, however, Maggie’s arrow of spite flew true and pierced me. Let me quote from her FB posting. Oh, by the way, she’s having a fundraiser for Doctors Without Borders and so far only 2 people have donated.

This is the caption for a photo of Maggie’s daughter, who was recently snide to Daisy when they were both in school in person hanging out in their favorite teacher’s classroom, who happens to be the same teacher. You can skim through the first 4 lines. She gets first to the anti-Calvin jab.

My gurl, who I call Lill wearing my clothes & her crayola socks. Can’t believe she’s so close, but so far. It was a joke in high school. Kids would say, “where’d you get those cool clothes?” She’d have to tell them they were here mom’s. Then, she’d come home from school and tell me her friends would tell her, “don’t tell this to anyone, not even your mom.” And then she’s tell me. So what? What am I going to call her friends and rat her out? Never. What happens is Astoria should stay in Astoria. Too bad the Executive Producer of Sesame Street (literally made on MY street) doesn’t get that. He’s nasty to everyone in what is otherwise a very nice place to live.

Then below the photo of her snide daughter, well, then she goes for me.

and his insecure wife stalks me on the internet- which is why all my posts are wide open. Attack me with a baseball bat Mr Executive Emmy Winning Producer? Try to flood my car with a hose ms wanna be comedy writer who works for big pharma propaganda? Move to Scarsdale where you belong.

That is me! I’m the insecure wife and I do stalk her on the internet. She blocked me on FaceBook so I had to stalk her through my fake identity, which is also how I stalk her on Instagram. And I did aim the hose from the deck into her car’s open window, the night she drove us insane. It was wonderful. I also aimed the hose into her open sun roof. This was harder because I had to arc the stream up a little to get the water right into her car, but I managed. God, that was a great feeling getting that water into her car.

This was the night before the day she was taken to the psych ward, the day she left her bathtub running as she ran her front and back hoses into our property. The cops came and looked around at the water running and Maggie just walking around smoking and drinking, and all the alley neighbors out and looking around. That was the day after I hosed her in her car. She was having a real water thing that day.

No one attacked her with a bat. And the neighbors are fine with Calvin. I don’t think he even registers on their radars.

I do want to be a comedy writer, which is fine, I think. I mean, I do love my team at my Big Pharma ad agency, where we scurry around, writing Big Phama Propaganda, using ALL CAPS and obscuring the nefarious side effects with fancy language and zany graphics. We use Comic Sans sometimes, just to lighten the mood around the deadly adverse events.

No, that is not what we do. I’m fairly sure the FDA would send a letter if we used Comic Sans.